if God will send his angels

by U2

nobody else here baby no one else here to blame
no one to point the finger...it's just you and me and the rain
nobody made you do it, no one put words in your mouth
nobody here taking orders when love took a train heading south
it's the blind leading the blond
it's the stuff the stuff of country songs

HEy IF GOD WILL SEND HIS ANGELS
AND IF GOD WILL SEND A SIGN
AND IF GOD WILL SEND HIS ANGELS
Would everything be alright?

God has got his phone off the hook babe would he even pick up if he could?
it's been a while since we saw that child hangin' round this neighbourhood
see his mother dealing in a doorway see Father Christmas with a begging bowl
Jesus sister's eyes are a blister ... THE HIGH STREET never looked so low

it's the blind leading the blond...
it's the cops collecting for the cons
so where is the hope and where is the faith ... and the love?
what's that you say to me
does love... light up your Christmas tree?
the next minute you're blowing a fuse
and the cartoon network turns into the news

HEy IF GOD WILL SEND HIS ANGELS
AND IF GOD WILL SEND A SIGN
WELL IF GOD WILL SEND HIS ANGELS
WHERE DO WE GO

Jesus never let me down you know Jesus used to show me the score
then they put Jesus in show business now it's hard to get in the door

it's the stuff it's the stuff of country songs
but I guess it was something to go on

HEy IF GOD WILL SEND HIS ANGELS
I SURE COULD USE THEM HERE RIGHT NOW
WELL IF GOD WILL SEND HIS ANGELS
WHERE DO WE GO...


"...I do know that whosoever shall put their trust in God shall be supported in their trials, and their troubles, and their afflictions, and shall be lifted up at the last day." Alma 36:3

I do know.

My Lou

It has been almost a month since Lou had her 5th birthday and I've been meaning to tell a little about her. If I had to pick two words to describe her, I'd pick feisty princess. I guess when you are born so little into the big big world you learn a few tricks to survive.


Lou was born 2 months early and weighed 3 pounds. The nurses who cared for her for a month at the NICU told me that she was a fighter. She really is. But even though she packs a mean pinch and has the loudest voice in our family, she is also very girlie. She is a daddy's girl.



She loves everything pink, frilly, and dressed up. She loves babies, dolls, and barbies. She came this way.


Because she is the littlest in the family with two big brothers who mercilessly tease her about everything, she uses all female tactics to defend herself like wracking sobs from a seemingly broken heart and talking about "hurt feelings". When that fails she uses her fingers and nails to inflict maximum damage. She demands her rights.


Like Ray and Little D who were also born early, Lou had to learn how to feed and grow. It didn't come naturally at first. Nursing her came with many challenges. Despite the fact that she has stayed petite and doesn't have a lot of "chubba-lubba's", it was satisfying for me to care for her. It was a privilege to have such a tiny beautiful creature completely dependent on me.


My mom made her beautiful blessing dress which she was finally able to fit into when she was four months old.

I miss those baby years.

I could eat her.

OK. She had to wear a helmet for 5 or 6 months. She had a slight case of torticollis and absolutely refused to sleep on one side of her head even though I used wedges and tried my very hardest. She had a flat spot and had to get this sweet helmet.

But she is just so dang cute. Little Helmie Head.

Here she is one year old. I'm getting sad looking at these old pictures. How is she so big?

Two years old

All of our kids were blessed with great big eyes and butterfly eyelashes.


Almost three years old. This is one of my favorite tender pictures.

Three years old. She's a beauty.

Four year old.

My five year old big girl.

Lou, before you were born, I was blessed that you would be a shining ray of light in my life bringing me hope. You are. You are bright and beautiful and lovely. You are my girl.

A Little Personal

I felt the sorrow and pain suddenly start to swell and I tried to compress it so it wouldn't gather heat and boil over into tears. Thinking it away and trying to ignore it trapped the swell in my throat making it ache. I swallowed to push it down. All I wanted to do was jump out of the car and pull my bike off the rack and ride. As soon as the key was pulled from the ignition that is what I did. "I'm just going on a short bike ride." I called over my shoulder, not waiting to hear if he was OK with it. I pumped quickly out of sight and down the trail as fast as I could. Each push of my muscles against the pedal calmed the swelling. Each bead of perspiration was a sigh. My heart pumped and my lungs expanded. I wanted this kind of pain. It was physical. I wanted to push harder and feel the burn in my thighs and calves. This way I could ignore the other pain. I couldn't deal with it yet.


Calm and still inside I put my bike back on the rack and joined my husband and children. I had realized something about myself.


Thirteen years ago I had a discussion in my room with my brother Trevor. One of my close friends had been cutting herself and was admitted to the hospital. She etched her grief into her arms and thighs. I couldn't understand it. "Why would she do that? That's crazy. I don't get it." Trevor was interested--not only in how she was doing because he genuinely cared, but also in all the details of her self-inflicted injuries. "I could never hurt myself myself like that." I said. "Haven't you ever thought of killing yourself?" Trevor asked. "No! Never. I would never do that. I have never thought about that!" I said. "I have." Trevor said. "You have? No way. I never ever ever would do something like that."

If I had allowed my sense of indignation to rest, I might have clued into Trevor. I wish I had clued into Trevor. But I didn't and neither did anyone else. I couldn't wrap my head around how anyone could ever hurt themselves on purpose.

Years later there was a discussion about some of these behaviors in my nursing classes when I was doing my psych rotation at the State Hospital. I started to understand a little about how a person that is in so much emotional pain would cut. It causes emotional relief because the focus of the pain is transferred into something else. Something physical.

When I was riding my bike and wanting the burn in my muscles and all that comes with physical exertion I realized exercise was my form of cutting. That kind of sounds bad, but it is true nonetheless.

At least it is socially acceptable and doesn't leave any scars.

Baby That's Not All

Fold yourself against
Me like a paper bird
Tonight we'll fly awhile
Just give me the word
And hold onto me
Like I hold onto you
A steeple holds a bell
The night sky holds the moon
Melting flakes of snow
Will catch you when you fall
Baby that's not all
Then like falling stars
Back down to sleep will go
Into our waiting arms
In orbits round the glow
Coverlets and down
Will catch you when you fall
Baby that's not all
(by Josh Ritter)

June 24, 2009
Bridal Shower for Julianna Andersen
Julie, Kaerlig, Kassi

June 27, 2009
Hiking Mt. Nebo
Joshua

Katie, Kassi

Jacob, Hartman, Julie

Hartman and the Mountain

Kaerlig, Kassi, Julie

Hartman

June 29, 2009 morning
Julie's Endowment at the Salt Lake City Temple
Hartman, Chelsea, Kaerlig, John, Julie, Papa, Kassi, Mom

June 29, 2009 evening
Wedding Dinner
Kaerlig, Kassi, Julie, Meredith, Jessica, Candice

June 30, 2009 afternoon
Marriage of John Kupper and Julie Andersen (now Kupper)
Salt Lake City Temple
Ethan

Gabriel

Taralee, Draesen, Logan

Forsyth Family
Julie, Wade and kidlets

Mom and Papa

Julie and John's grand exit from the temple

Thirty Second Kiss on the Steps
(a temple worker put them up to it)

Mom and Julie

Papa and Julie

Julie, Sal (John's mom) and John

Jacob, Hartman, David
Kassi, Julie, Kaerlig

Andersen Parents
Kathryn, John, Julie, Randy

Kupper Parents
Sal, John, Julie, John

John's Family

Best Friends

June 30, 2009 evening
Reception at The White Willow
Lily, Olivia

Lou

Lily, Talia

Michelle, David, Julie and little girls

Candice, bridesmaid, Jessica, Julie, Kassi, Meredith, Candice

Andersen Family

Andersen family with Grandma and Grandpa Rector

Unwelcome

I had a visitor this morning.  

Migraine came. 

 The first time she visited me was at church when I was fourteen.  I didn't know what the blind spot and flashing lights that made me nauseous meant (just thinking about it makes me queasy).  When the flashing lights receded to the periphery of my vision, BANG! my head felt like it was being cranked down by a vice and my eyeballs felt like they were being squeezed out of their sockets.  I staggered to the car where I cried and moaned and whimpered until the rest of my family was done with the three hour block.  I couldn't understand this violence my head was going through.  After a full day of throwing up and a headache from beyond this world, I started to feel a little bit better...but very delicate.  A sneeze, or a shake of the head, or bending over, or moving in any way other than slow motion sent spasms of pain.  After another day of being delicate, I was back to normal.  

What I didn't realize that day when Migraine came to visit was that she would come back, and back, and back.  

She comes any darn time she wants to.

At first her visits were about once or twice a month.  As years passed, she'd come every couple months and then every few months.  It is always a surprise though.  I wake up feeling normal and then...hold it...is that a blind spot?  No!  No!  No!  It's always the same pattern.  I'm out for the day.  Maybe it is her way of telling me to slow down, or force me to take a break.    But that doesn't make complete sense because sometimes when I finally have a break, like Christmas vacation, that is exactly when she comes.  Unwelcome.   

I have many memories with Migraine.  Like the time she came to visit me at the BYU bookstore and I ran outside just in time to throw up in the bushes.  I'm sorry whoever was walking past me just then.  

And once I staged a visit with Migraine in order to keep my mom's industrial sewing machines from being sold for drugs (you'll have to ask me about that one in person if you are curious).

As a brand new missionary in a foreign country, Migraine came one night briefly flashing her lights but then she broke the pattern.  Miracle.  The headache never came and she decided not to visit for the rest of my time in Bolivia...but as soon as I got back on American sod she was back.  That was my longest stretch without her visit.  

This morning I was on task at work.  I had assessed my patients, almost had everything charted, and had passed my morning medications.  I looked up to answer a question from a parent and my own question popped into my head "Did I just see a blind spot?"  I looked to the left and to the right and all around and yes, there was definitely a blind spot and then of course a flash of light.  I knew I had about a half hour before the flashing lights circled their way to the periphery of my vision and the headache came.  I found my charge nurse, told her my predicament and how worthless I was going to be in a matter of minutes and was soon riding my scooter back home to crash in my darkened room.  My crash lasted from 10 am until 5 pm.  

Now I'm feeling pretty good.  Just a little delicate.  Don't make me laugh.

Wasatch Back Relay

There are many crazy people in the world and I think runners are some of these people. I was invited by my high-school friend Erin to join her team to run in the Ragnar Wasatch Back. It is an all day, all night crazy race from Logan to Park City. It was amazing. It was a type of crazy that brought me sanity. I loved it.

Our team: T.N.T. We're Dynamite

James, Michelle, Leslie, Erin, Marie, Kaerlig, Meghan, Alec

Jamie, Kiyo, Tom, Stephanie

This is Alec, a 17 year old kid who started our race for us at a super fast pace. He did so well.

I don't know these people...just wanted to snap a picture of them.

This is me on my first run. It was an absolutely gorgeous day (days that have been few and far between this rainy summer) and I felt strong. I had been worried about some knee problems I've had but somehow, I was able to run without pain during the relay and kept a steady 7.5 minute mile pace for the 17 miles (total) that I ran.
Erin did the work to organize the team and then became injured just a week before the relay. Being somewhat crazy (as runners are), she ran her first two legs strong, even though she was in pain, but then had to call it quits before she did any permanent damage.

Here we are at the top of Avon Pass waiting for James who was lucky enough to get to run the steep, dusty climb to the top.

As evening came, our group started our 2nd leg of the race. We started at Snow Basin and ran down through the night. We tried to sleep for a couple hours on the floor of a high school auditorium when we finished but that was a joke.


By morning we were starting our 3rd leg of the race. I'm standing in line to use a wonderful but dangerously full "Honey Bucket" port-a-potty. Hey, I'm just glad they were there.

This is me at the beginning of my 3rd leg.

When it was Erin's turn to run, she sorrowfully decided it wouldn't be wise to run on her foot anymore. She could barely walk as it was. I ran her last leg for her and it was the highlight of the race for me because it was a beautiful downhill descent into the valley. I'm bummed she didn't get to enjoy it....




Our team finished the race in 29.5 hours, just before a torrential downpour passed through Park City. It was a memorable experience and I'm glad I was a part of the team. We finished the race a couple hours before we thought we would and were all pretty proud about it.

Meanwhile at home, Dave was left in charge of the kids and somehow they found a stray kitten. David, being the tender heart that he is, decided to take in the starving kitten and I'm thinking we are going to have major issues if/when we try to find a different home for this cat. I never wanted a pet cat. And both David and Little D are allergic to cats. And the kids keep fighting over who gets to hold her.

See what happens when mom is out of town for a couple days?

If This House Fails

By The Devil Whale

And if this house fails should we just rebuild
By the shade tree on the hill where we can see

The grass is greener there and there's cleaner air
And there's no trace of our careless history

I'm a crash and a burn away from being in love
I'm a midnight kiss away from being someone

Your mother needs you now 'cause your father tuned her out

Everyone you love doesn't try enough
If you want me now come and get me now
And if you don't quit pretending that you do

The flies on the wall want a curtain call
For the stories that they broke and the hearts too

I'm a crash and a burn away from being in love
I'm a midnight kiss away from trusting someone

Everything you see trumps your history
Everyone I love doesn't try enough

Everything I do brings me back to you
Everything I do brings me back to you

I heard this song for the first time today. I'm liking it a lot. I couldn't figure out how to put it on my playlist for you to hear, but click here and you can find the song. It'll be worth it. Promise.

Song of the Week

Break Your Heart
by Natalie Merchant

People downcast, in despair
See the disillusion everywhere
Hoping their bad luck will change
Gets a little harder every day

People struggle, people fight
For the simple pleasures in their lives
But trouble comes from everywhere
It's a little more than you can bear

I know that it will hurt
I know that it will break your heart
The way things are
And the way they've been
And the way they've always been

People shallow, self-absorbed
See the push and shove for their rewards
I, me, my is on their minds
You can read about it in their eyes

People ruthless, people cruel
The damage that some people do
Full of hatred, full of pride
It's enough to make you lose your mind

I know that it will hurt
I know that it will break your heart
The way things are
And the way they've been

I know that it will hurt
I know that it will break your heart
The way things are
And the way they've been

Don't spread the discontent
Don't spread the lies
Don't make the same mistakes
With your own life
You never will let love survive

I know that it will hurt
I know that it will break your heart
The way things are
And the way they've been

Don't spread the discontent
Don't spread the lies
Don't make the same mistakes
With your own life
Don't disrespect yourself
Don't lose your pride
And don't think that
Everybody's gonna choose your side



Lately it seems like I am a magnet for bad news. It's coming out of the cracks from everywhere.

There is one power, a gift from God, that is my lifeline. It is prayer. Completely wireless, always accessible, and free. In hopeful wish, hope full-wish, and hope fool-wish moments of my life, I have spoken and He has heard my words and wrapped His loving arms around me. I have confidence in prayer. And in my God.

Heartland

Closing my eyes I can hear the river and feel the wind of Zion National Park, a place I will go often. We spent six days camping there at Watchman Campground. I think I am getting a hang of this camping thing. Camping is a lot of work for moms (especially this mom who does most of the shopping, packing and cooking). Last year we went to Zion and spent 2 days. I decided then that I loved it but in order to make it really worth all the effort of packing, setting up camp, cooking, breaking down camp etc., we had to make our stay longer. This year's trip really came at a time when I needed some bonding with nature. The highlights for me were riding my bike up and down the length of the canyon (14 miles), jogging from The Temple of Sinawava back to camp (over 7 miles), playing in the upper Emerald Pool, and the awe-striking, invigorating hike to Angel's Landing.

Ahhhh. I want to go back.

My kids have reaching the age where getting a serious picture is seriously hard. They were silly in almost every picture we tried to take. This is at the Weeping Rock.

At Big Bend, we took a trail down to the river to bond.

Lou is a Froggy.

Speaking of frogs, we found one at the upper Emerald Pool and he travelled with us until he was set free in The Narrows. I'm glad we were able to convince Little D to let it go.

Ray salutes you.

David and the kids with the Great White Throne in the background.

I love the religious names of the cliffs. It makes being in Zion so heavenly. Here are the silly kids in front of The Great White Throne at Big Bend.

Our campsite was just perfect. I'm going to get it next year. We were right next to the river and a sand bar. We found a little swimming hole in the river and got in several times. This big tree right behind our tent was also fun to scramble on.

There was also a swampy part behind our campsite full of tadpoles. Unfortunately, a ton of them were innocently killed along with three fish. Ray and little D's first two days of camping were spent in a continual cyle of getting themselves completely muddy, washing off, and getting muddy again. (We have four tadpoles in a bowl in our backyard right now. Shhh. We stole them.)

Along the trail we found this snake. David snagged it and let the kids hold it for a few minutes and then we let it go.

Lou one-handing it.

Little D really wanted to keep it...and he really wants me to get him a pet snake...but the answer is no.

David and I hiked up to Angel's Landing, leaving the kids with Dave's brother Tom and his wife Laura who joined us for the last three days of camping. We hiked up and back in 2 hours and 45 minutes. I got a little impatient when I had to wait behind other hikers. I just wanted to scramble up as fast as I could like a lizard...or one of those insane chipmunks that are at the landing.

The hike was so invigorating. I thought I'd be more freaked out by height, but I wasn't. I can't wait to go back.

By looking at us, you might think we don't have any cares in this world.

Oh! Zion!

Sweet Little D

Seven years ago our sweet little guy was born. He is our second born son, named after his father and his uncle who are also second born sons.




When he was born, he was just a little bitty thing making his grand appearance five weeks earlier than expected. His favorite cousin Sammy was born on time 4 days later and we joked that Sammy ate little D for breakfast. He is still a little guy (in comparison to Ray) but he has a great big heart.






Even at a young age, we could tell that little D was a sweetheart. He picks flowers and writes love notes.





Each time I feel a little blue, I want one of little D's "magical hugs". They really do make ya feel better. (Rubbing his super soft big ears might even grant wishes.)



This year for his birthday, he opened his presents and immediately started to give them away to Ray and Lou. I tried to stop him, telling him that they were his presents and he could just share them, but he insisted on dividing them up between his siblings. He's just like that.







Lucky for him (or unlucky) he is the middle child and has learned how to give and take. He searches for snails with Ray and he plays pretend with Lou.







I am not the only one who notices how sweet little D is. On the playground this year there were a bunch of girls that chased him each day. It eventually started to bother little D so much that he didn't want to go to school. He pointed out the most bothersome girl to me one day. I saw her wave and say hi to him. It was a full flung first grade crush. His teacher also wanted to take him home with her for keeps but I wouldn't allow it.




There are days though when little D trades in his sweetness for stubbornness. He can give the most serious (although hilarious) scowly faces. I've yet to capture it on camera. He is also a grumpy little morning riser. He inherited that from me I'm afraid. Somehow it's a lot cuter when he does it.





The thing he inherited from his dad are his big hands. They're called "paws" because they are so squeezable and nice to hold. I hope he doesn't get too old for me to hold his hand anytime too soon.




Like his dad, he loves bikes, scooters, and learning how things work. He says that when he grows up he is going to work at The Scooter Lounge. He has a way with finding money. We might have to hire him on at an early age. He would be our hero.





Eventually I know my little boy will grow up. Each year he does it a little bit more and although it makes me sad, I love to see the boy that he is growing up into.



Dearest little D, you are the apple of my eye. Happy 7th Birthday.

Song for the Day

I'll Go Crazy If I Don't Go Crazy Tonight
U2

She’s a rainbow and she loves the peaceful life
Knows I’ll go crazy if I don’t go crazy tonight
There’s a part of me in the chaos that’s quiet
And there’s a part of you that wants me to riot

Everybody needs to cry or needs to spit
Every sweet tooth needs just a little hit
Every beauty needs to go out with an idiot
How can you stand next to the truth and not see it
Oh, a change of heart comes slow

It’s not a hill, it’s a mountain
As you start out the climb
Do you believe me or are you doubting
We’re gonna make it all the way to the light
But I know I’ll go crazy if I don’t go crazy tonight

Every generation gets a chance to change the world
Pity the nation that won’t listen to your boys and girls
‘Cos the sweetest melody is the one we haven’t heard
Is it true that perfect love drives out all fear
The right to be ridiculous is something I hold dear
Oh, but a change of heart comes slow

It’s not a hill, it’s a mountain
As you start out the climb
Listen for me, I’ll be shouting
We’re gonna make it all the way to the light
But I know I’ll go crazy if I don’t go crazy tonight

Baby, baby, baby
I know I’m not alone
Baby, baby, baby
I know I’m not alone


It’s not a hill, it’s a mountain
As we start out the climb
Listen for me, I’ll be shouting
Shouting to the darkness
Squeeze out sparks of light

You know we’re gonna go crazy
You know we’ll go crazy
You know we’ll go crazy if we don’t go crazy tonight

Oh, slowly now
Oh, be slow

Song of the Week

Moth's Wings
Passion Pit

Dear friend as you know
Your flowers are withering
Your mother's gone insane
Your leaves have drifted away

But the clouds are clearing up
And I've come reveling
Burning incandescently
Like a bastard on the burning sea

You're just like your father
Buried deep under the water
Your pressing on your laurel
Is stepping on my toes
Whose side are you on?
What side is this anyway?
Put down your sword and crown
Come lay with me on the ground

You come beating like moth's wings
Spastic and violently
Whipping me into a storm
Shaking me down to the core
But you run away from me
And you've left me shimmering
Like diamond wedding rings
Spinning dizzily down on the floor

You're just like your father
Buried deep under the water
Your pressing on your laurel
Is stepping on my toes
Whose side are you on?
What side is this anyway?
Put down your sword and crown
Come lay with me on the ground.


(not sure if all the words are accurate, but close enough)

One Good Thing

I have an vintage pair of jeans that I wore in college over 10 years ago. I keep them in my closet and I pull them out about once a year to see how they fit -usually a bit snug- and then I put them back. I love those old Levi-Strauss jeans. They were vintage back when I bought them at a thrift shop and they used to fit me perfectly. They have a 70's bell bottom flair that isn't too pretentious. I keep them to gauge my weight hoping I'll fit into them comfortably someday. I don't ever step on a scale because I don't like to be bound by the number so I have no idea how much I weigh but I do know that I weigh just a little bit more than when I used to wear those jeans.

I don't believe in "going on a diet" and I can honestly say I have never gone on one. Rather I like to try to eat moderate and exercise consistently. However, I have noticed that when I am sorrowful or stressed I lose my appetite and instead desire to run great distances. With the events of this past week I literally lost desire for food and added miles to my normal regimen. This morning I saw those jeans in my closet and curiously took them down.

I am wearing them today and they aren't snug.


Yes! One good thing!

Alma 30

...there came a man into the land of Zarahemla, and he was Anti-Christ, for he began to preach unto the people against the prophecies which had been spoken by the prophets, concerning the coming of Christ.   Now there was no law against a man’s belief; for it was strictly contrary to the commands of God that there should be a law which should bring men on to unequal grounds.  For thus saith the scripture: Choose ye this day, whom ye will serve.  Now if a man desired to serve God, it was his privilege; or rather, if he believed in God it was his privilege to serve him; but if he did not believe in him there was no law to punish him.  But if he murdered he was punished unto death; and if he robbed he was also punished; and if he stole he was also punished; and if he committed adultery he was also punished; yea, for all this wickedness they were punished.  For there was a law that men should be judged according to their crimes.  Nevertheless, there was no law against a man’s belief; therefore, a man was punished only for the crimes which he had done; therefore all men were on equal grounds.

And this Anti-Christ, whose name was Korihor, (and the law could have no hold upon him) began to preach unto the people that there should be no Christ. And after this manner did he preach, saying:  O ye that are bound down under a foolish and a vain hope, why do ye yoke yourselves with such foolish things? Why do ye look for a Christ? For no man can know of anything which is to come.  Behold, these things which ye call prophecies, which ye say are handed down by holy prophets, behold, they are foolish traditions of your fathers.  How do ye know of their surety? Behold, ye cannot know of things which ye do not see; therefore ye cannot know that there shall be a Christ.  Ye look forward and say that ye see a remission of your sins. But behold, it is the effect of a frenzied mind; and this derangement of your minds comes because of the traditions of your fathers, which lead you away into a belief of things which are not so.  And many more such things did he say unto them, telling them that there could be no atonement made for the sins of men, but every man fared in this life according to the management of the creature; therefore every man prospered according to his genius, and that every man conquered according to his strength; and whatsoever a man did was no crime.  And thus he did preach unto them, leading away the hearts of many, causing them to lift up their heads in their wickedness, yea, leading away many women, and also men, to commit whoredoms—telling them that when a man was dead, that was the end thereof.

Now this man went over to the land of Jershon also, to preach these things among the people of Ammon, who were once the people of the Lamanites.  But behold they were more wise than many of the Nephites; for they took him, and bound him, and carried him before Ammon, who was a high priest over that people.  And it came to pass that he caused that he should be carried out of the land. And he came over into the land of Gideon, and began to preach unto them also; and here he did not have much success, for he was taken and bound and carried before the high priest, and also the chief judge over the land.  And it came to pass that the high priest said unto him: Why do ye go about perverting the ways of the Lord? Why do ye teach this people that there shall be no Christ, to interrupt their rejoicings? Why do ye speak against all the prophecies of the holy prophets?

Now the high priest’s name was Giddonah. And Korihor said unto him: Because I do not teach the foolish traditions of your fathers, and because I do not teach this people to bind themselves down under the foolish ordinances and performances which are laid down by ancient priests, to usurp power and authority over them, to keep them in ignorance, that they may not lift up their heads, but be brought down according to thy words.   Ye say that this people is a free people. Behold, I say they are in bondage. Ye say that those ancient prophecies are true. Behold, I say that ye do not know that they are true.  Ye say that this people is a guilty and a fallen people, because of the transgression of a parent.  Behold, I say that a child is not guilty because of its parents.  And ye also say that Christ shall come. But behold, I say that ye do not know that there shall be a Christ. And ye say also that he shall be slain for the sins of the world— And thus ye lead away this people after the foolish traditions of your fathers, and according to your own desires; and ye keep them down, even as it were in bondage, that ye may glut yourselves with the labors of their hands, that they durst not look up with boldness, and that they durst not enjoy their rights and privileges.  Yea, they durst not make use of that which is their own lest they should offend their priests, who do yoke them according to their desires, and have brought them to believe, by their traditions and their dreams and their whims and their visions and their pretended mysteries, that they should, if they did not do according to their words, offend some unknown being, who they say is God—a being who never has been seen or known, who never was nor ever will be.

Now when the high priest and the chief judge saw the hardness of his heart, yea, when they saw that he would revile even against God, they would not make any reply to his words; but they caused that he should be bound; and they delivered him up into the hands of the officers, and sent him to the land of Zarahemla, that he might be brought before Alma, and the chief judge who was governor over all the land.   And it came to pass that when he was brought before Alma and the chief judge, he did go on in the same manner as he did in the land of Gideon; yea, he went on to blaspheme.  And he did rise up in great swelling words before Alma, and did revile against the priests and teachers, accusing them of leading away the people after the silly traditions of their fathers, for the sake of glutting on the labors of the people.

Now Alma said unto him: Thou knowest that we do not glut ourselves upon the labors of this people; for behold I have labored even from the commencement of the reign of the judges until now, with mine own hands for my support, notwithstanding my many travels round about the land to declare the word of God unto my people.  And notwithstanding the many labors which I have performed in the church, I have never received so much as even one senine for my labor; neither has any of my brethren, save it were in the judgment-seat; and then we have received only according to law for our time.  And now, if we do not receive anything for our labors in the church, what doth it profit us to labor in the church save it were to declare the truth, that we may have rejoicings in the joy of our brethren?  Then why sayest thou that we preach unto this people to get gain, when thou, of thyself, knowest that we receive no gain? And now, believest thou that we deceive this people, that causes such joy in their hearts?  And Korihor answered him, Yea.  And then Alma said unto him: Believest thou that there is a God?  And he answered, Nay.  Now Alma said unto him: Will ye deny again that there is a God, and also deny the Christ? For behold, I say unto you, I know there is a God, and also that Christ shall come.  And now what evidence have ye that there is no God, or that Christ cometh not? I say unto you that ye have none, save it be your word only.  But, behold, I have all things as a testimony that these things are true; and ye also have all things as a testimony unto you that they are true; and will ye deny them? Believest thou that these things are true?  Behold, I know that thou believest, but thou art possessed with a lying spirit, and ye have put off the Spirit of God that it may have no place in you; but the devil has power over you, and he doth carry you about, working devices that he may destroy the children of God.

And now Korihor said unto Alma: If thou wilt show me a sign, that I may be convinced that there is a God, yea, show unto me that he hath power, and then will I be convinced of the truth of thy words.  But Alma said unto him: Thou hast had signs enough; will ye tempt your God? Will ye say, Show unto me a sign, when ye have the testimony of all these thy brethren, and also all the holy prophets? The scriptures are laid before thee, yea, and all things denote there is a God; yea, even the earth, and call things that are upon the face of it, yea, and its motion, yea, and also all the planets which move in their regular form do witness that there is a Supreme Creator.  And yet do ye go about, leading away the hearts of this people, testifying unto them there is no God? And yet will ye deny against all these witnesses? And he said: Yea, I will deny, except ye shall show me a sign.

 And now it came to pass that Alma said unto him: Behold, I am grieved because of the hardness of your heart, yea, that ye will still resist the spirit of the truth, that thy soul may be destroyed.  But behold, it is better that thy soul should be lost than that thou shouldst be the means of bringing many souls down to destruction, by thy lying and by thy flattering words; therefore if thou shalt deny again, behold God shall smite thee, that thou shalt become dumb, that thou shalt never open thy mouth any more, that thou shalt not deceive this people any more.

Now Korihor said unto him: I do not deny the existence of a God, but I do not believe that there is a God; and I say also, that ye do not know that there is a God; and except ye show me a sign, I will not believe.  Now Alma said unto him: This will I give unto thee for a sign, that thou shalt be struck dumb, according to my words; and I say, that in the name of God, ye shall be struck dumb, that ye shall no more have utterance.

Now when Alma had said these words, Korihor was struck dumb, that he could not have utterance, according to the words of Alma.  And now when the chief judge saw this, he put forth his hand and wrote unto Korihor, saying: Art thou convinced of the power of God? In whom did ye desire that Alma should show forth his sign? Would ye that he should afflict others, to show unto thee a sign? Behold, he has showed unto you a sign; and now will ye dispute more?  And Korihor put forth his hand and wrote, saying: I know that I am dumb, for I cannot speak; and I know that nothing save it were the power of God could bring this upon me; yea, and I always knew that there was a God.  But behold, the devil hath deceived me; for he appeared unto me in the form of an angel, and said unto me: Go and reclaim this people, for they have all gone astray after an unknown God. And he said unto me: There is no God; yea, and he taught me that which I should say. And I have taught his words; and I taught them because they were pleasing unto the carnal mind; and I taught them, even until I had much success, insomuch that I verily believed that they were true; and for this cause I withstood the truth, even until I have brought this great curse upon me.

Now when he had said this, he besought that Alma should pray unto God, that the curse might be taken from him.  But Alma said unto him: If this curse should be taken from thee thou wouldst again lead away the hearts of this people; therefore, it shall be unto thee even as the Lord will.  And it came to pass that the curse was not taken off of Korihor; but he was cast out, and went about from house to house begging for his food.

Now the knowledge of what had happened unto Korihor was immediately published throughout all the land; yea, the proclamation was sent forth by the chief judge to all the people in the land, declaring unto those who had believed in the words of Korihor that they must speedily repent, lest the same judgments would come unto them.   And it came to pass that they were all convinced of the wickedness of Korihor; therefore they were all converted again unto the Lord; and this put an end to the iniquity after the manner of Korihor.  And Korihor did go about from house to house, begging food for his support.

And it came to pass that as he went forth among the people, yea, among a people who had separated themselves from the Nephites and called themselves Zoramites, being led by a man whose name was Zoram—and as he went forth amongst them, behold, he was run upon and trodden down, even until he was dead.  And thus we see the end of him who perverteth the ways of the Lord; and thus we see that the devil will not support his children at the last day, but doth speedily drag them down to hell.

The Book of Mormon

Alma 30:6-60

There is nothing new under the sun.

Running won't make this go away.

But I feel like running so long and so far.

Like the day they called to say they had found Trevor.

It didn't bring his Homecoming but I felt better anyway.

I feel like running so long and so far.

But it wouldn't make me feel better this time.

Running won't make this go away.




("Kids can't go through all the turmoil like what my family went through without the cracks starting to come out in some way.")

Milky

I know. I already posted about stuffed animals once. Why twice? Well I know a 4 and 11/12 th year old that is really excited about this.

Presenting Milky

in a fashion show Lou's been waiting for:

Milky in her navy velvet dress with delicate lace and red accents.

Milky's old-fashioned dress may have been one you or I wore as a child.

Milky will make a lasting impression at the ball.

Bedtime Milky

Milky awaiting her Prince Charming.

Springtime Milky with an alluring up-do.

Versatile Milky in her day dress and pajamas.

Silk and lace nightgown make Milky feel like a real bunny.

Sporty yet fashionably fancy Milky.

"Milky rocking in her rocking chair while thinking of a plan for the summer day in a pink beautiful dress" (words by Lou)

Milky is ready for any occasion.

Past Winter

I've been thinking about this post for a while but sometimes it is hard to get started. At times I feel a little bit intimidated about writing something good or interesting but I'm going to try not to worry about all that and just start writing. I want to write about the season we just lived through.

This past winter has been one of my best. I was able to endure it cheerfully. Winters in Utah, in the past, have been challenging for me. Winter snuffs out autumn and spring and lingers long past when it should. I tolerate it pretty well until February and then it really starts to wear on me emotionally. But this year was different. I could attribute the change to one of three things.

The first is that we got a new furnace and insulation last year and new windows the year before. I am a miserably cold person all the time and these improvements to our home improved my quality of life . I still warm up a bag of grain every night and put it in my bed so that my feet get toasty and I still put my freezing hands up my husband's sleeves but overall I am much warmer. Our windows used to be single pane and I could feel the cold winter wind blowing through cracks. Our old furnace was a dinosaur and also the cheapest of the cheap (that's what all the furnace guys politely explained). In fact, they stopped making the kind of furnace we had because it was too cheap and worthless. Were these home improvements what made winter bearable?

The second is that I decided I needed a winter sport to get excited about and I found one that I could do without it being a financial burden. I am like an ant all summer, saving money for the winter, because of the seasonal nature of my husband's business and I didn't want to fork out money to go to a ski resort. I discovered that I enjoyed snowshoeing. I only went four times this past winter but it was so gratifying and I found myself for the first time in many winters wishing for more snow. That is so not me! When a snow storm hit but then didn't stick and turned to slush I was even disappointed. Next year I will try to go more often and I want to add cross-country skiing. I also got back into jogging and wasn't afraid to bundle up and run outside. I used to do that all the time way back when until I turned wimpy. Running in the snow isn't as bad as it sounds. It's very peaceful. Was getting into outdoor winter sports what made the big difference in my demeanor?

The third is that I became a blogger. What does blogging have to do with anything? My husband started blogging and reading blogs a long time before I did. I couldn't understand him. Sometimes I'd hover over his shoulder wondering why he would put stuff on the internet for the whole world to read. I'd hover over his shoulder wondering why in the world he would care to read something that someone he hadn't seen since high school had written. I'd hover over his shoulder and then sulk because I felt a little jealous of the time he spent reading about other people's lives. What about our life?

Let me step back and explain things better. David's mom and dad had a passionate yet explosive relationship that ended in divorce when David was six. When David was twelve, his mom married Don with whom she has been happily married for over 20 years. I wouldn't say their relationship is either passionate or explosive but rather I would say it is comfortable and peaceful. Don worked for BYU for years in administration and Lovisa worked for BYU for years as a law librarian and also taught English and ESL. When they remodeled their home a while back they transformed what had been bedrooms and a family room into a den for Don and a library for Lovisa.

And there they reside.

Don's in his den which is furnished comfortably with a leather recliner, sofa, TV, DVD player and a vinyl record player and hundreds of records. There are also a bunch of children's toys in there like Lincoln Logs because the grandchildren always gravitate to him in his den to play.

Lovisa's in her library which is furnished with two walls full of books, a leather couch, two big chairs, a rocking chair and the computer. Lovisa is usually in this room grading papers, reading, or working on the latest crossword puzzle. The adult children gravitate to this room for conversation around Lovisa.

This is how Don and Lovisa operate. They have their own space and they are very comfortable with one in one room and one in the other. Sometimes Lovisa will do her crosswords on the sofa in Don's den, but for the most part I see her in her library. This is what was modeled for David while he was growing up.

Somehow David and I started falling into a type of this pattern. I bought a recliner when I was pregnant with my second son because I was so uncomfortable sleeping supine. Quickly this recliner was taken over by David who is now the main occupant. He relaxes and unwinds after a grueling day at work and after the kids are asleep by kicking up his feet and opening his lap top. He reads the news, his emails, other's blogs, and whatever else he happens upon. He decompresses. I'd come and sit on the arm of the recliner or on my knees next to him to chat for a while until I became uncomfortable (sore knees etc.) and then I'd retire to my room and I'd read. Then I'd get bored. Or I'd get lonely. I'd come back out of my room and badger David about "Why are you still on the computer?" or "Why do you care what other people have written? You don't even know them well." or "Why don't you ever talk to me?" See, I didn't come from a family where the man and woman were happy and content to do their things in different quarters of the house. In fact, "happy and content" was rarely modeled at all. Instead I saw a lot of arguments and contention so I fall into the trap of following that pattern. I have told many people, and I am completely serious, that if there is ever an argument between David and I, I am the one who started it. David is so content and laid back that he may not notice when I'm feeling neglected until I put my dukes up.

This pattern kept happening. Dave chillin' with the computer after work to relax and me tolerating it for a while and then putting up my dukes- demanding attention. I hardly ever got on the computer except to check my email, or the weather, or the bank account every few days. I couldn't understand him at all.

Last year I was invited to read a friend's private blog but in order to do so I had to get a blogger account. I did that and then saw a place to click that said "Create Blog". I was curious. It was a fateful moment when I clicked on that and was led by the hand like a child to create Dear and Beloved. Hmm...I thought as I started one or two posts...this is kind of fun. I started to connect with other women that had blogs and found myself enjoying the peek I had of their lives. I had for a while felt lonely and hungry for conversation with women and I found something in blogging that satisfied that.

This brings me back to winter. Before blogging I felt acutely lonesome during those long gray winters. Not only was I craving David's attention, but I found myself craving conversation with the women in my neighborhood. The thing is that it wasn't always convenient to talk on the phone or show up on a friend's doorstep because we were all busy with children and work and life. Maybe it is a phase of life I'm passing through. Most of my conversations are with children and I am starving for adult conversation. Through blogging I was able to laugh, empathize, and feel understood as I read the blogs of other mothers who were going through their lives similar to mine. I felt less alone.

I also could get back at Dave. The tables started to turn. He would be the one to leave the recliner and come to our bedroom to see what I was doing, waiting for attention.

"I'm just writing on my blog."

"I've created a monster!" he said.

Once I got involved in blogging I related to my husband in a new way. The twinges of self-pity/jealousy departed. We had new things to talk about and laugh about. I know that being on the computer can be a time-suck. I've had to moderate how much time is acceptable to be online because it can easily steal an hour or two of life (as it has just now while writing this). I also have made goals to spend more time with my scriptures because if I have time to read someone's blog I can't justify not finding time to study. I also worry about what David and I model for our kids so I try not to be on the computer until they are in bed. Overall, however, I find blogging to be an uplifting and creative outlet I enjoy. I've always loved to write in my journal but I write more frequently now and I'm able to record parts of our lives that would be forgotten.

This is really what made the winter bearable.

Thirty-Four in Moab

During the spring of 1994 David asked me to go to Moab and bike Slick Rock with him and his buddy. I couldn't go because of work so I suggested he go with a couple of my girlfriends that wanted to go.

The two guys and two girls went together which in turn ignited a bit of healthy jealousy in me, though I was the one to suggest they go together in the first place. How I wished I had rearranged my work schedule so it could have been me there that weekend with him.

David found a precarious spot for a snapshot. This picture became one that I would look at and study time and time again while we were apart during those early years that we knew each other.

The spot became one that David would return to later, but with me. In the spring of 1997, right after David got home from his mission and right before I was to leave on my own, we went together and biked Slick Rock and found that spot overlooking the canyon.

After we were married we started to go to Moab each spring for a scooter rally that is hosted by some friends from Denver. The last three years we decided to leave our children at home with family and bring our bikes along so we could go back to Slick Rock. It has become a tradition that I look forward to and count on.

(David tried to water the Colorado last year.)

The rally this year fell on David's birthday. We rode our scooters through Arches and also went biking. Here he is at the spot, 15 years older than in those first photos. He rocked Slick Rock and climbed hills that I had to walk. He may not be his 19 year old self (who used to barely put a foot down on the whole trail) (who rode his bike everywhere) (who was skinny as a rail) but this 34 yr old still kicked booty.
David, just to embarrass you a bit for your birthday I'm going to indulge in listing a few of the things I love about you. Everyone else can skip this part of course. In random order:

• You are an amazingly lovable father and the kids absolutely adore you. I can never elicit the response that you get from the kids when you walk through the door.
  
• You are brilliant and I feel like I can lean on your brain when I'm losing mine.
  
• You like to crack boiled eggs on your head and do other silly things that make me laugh.
  
• You never criticize me- not my cooking, not my cleaning, not my weight gain/loss, not anything. How did I get so blessed to marry somebody like that?
  
• You are happy when I cook but you never get bugged when I don't want to and you always think what I cook is delicious--even if it's just pancakes or something. You are easy to please :)
  
• You play Barbies with Lou.
  
• You have fix-it skills that always come in handy for us and for many other people that you generously help.
  
• You let me put my cold hands and feet on your warm ones to steal your heat and you never complain about it even though I do it all the time.
  
• Whenever you teach, the kids and I listen and we feel the spirit. You have this gift.
  
• You help put the kids to bed every night (even if your idea of reading stories is watching Sponge Bob with them).
  
• You are calm and easy going and flexible and I want to emulate you.

Happy Birthday David

Sandstone, Scooter,

Sweetness.

Rocky Rocky Week

Ray announced to me about ten days ago that he was so excited about Spring Break because all he was going to do was play computer games and watch TV. The whole time. I told him I had a couple of other things in mind for Spring Break like going to Rock Canyon or the sand dunes. He immediately pulled out old boo radley and told me there was no way, no way! he was going to go on any hikes or go anywhere I wanted for that matter. I let him rant knowing full well that I was going to get my way no matter what fight I had to pick. I was going to pick this battle. I realized I had to pick this battle when Ray gave up Karate because it interfered with his time with media. I had to pick this battle because both boys were acting entitled. I had to pick this battle because although I set limits, they were starting to get sneaky. Any time I turned my back, they were turning the TV back on. I hate that thing. It is a competitor. It sucks family time and attention away...and love and wellness and good feelings and it just makes me sad.

I had to work over Easter weekend at the hospital and when I came home Sunday night, Ray met me excitedly to tell me that he (or should I say his dad) had won the video game that day. "Oh. Ray, were you playing video games on Sunday?" He had broken a rule. No video games or TV on Sunday except church videos. He tried to blame it on his dad. This gave me pause (a plan formed) and cause to start The Ban.

Monday April 13, no TV or computer: boo radley day. Little D cried for about an hour but then went outside to play. Ray yelled at me and told me he was bored and wouldn't participate in the painting projects I laid out. He said he had lost all his creativity and would never! get it back. All the more reason for the ban I told him.

Tuesday April 14, no TV or computer: boo radley day multiplied Ray spent much of the day in time-outs because he couldn't stop calling me a jerk or trying to hit me. Little D and Lou had already gotten over the horror of the ban and decided to play with each other.

Wednesday April 15, no TV or computer : Except that David left out his laptop on purpose so the kids could play Spore -which they did until I woke up. Ray had apparently left a convincing note for his dad begging him to leave his computer out. (Dave you are a bootlegger!) For the first day of spring break we went to a pizza party with friends, saw art by Walter Wick and then went to The Creamery for ice cream. Ray continually asked when The Ban would be over and threw in a couple jerks here and there but I know he had a good day. (I won't mention in detail the huge melt down that Ray did have at one point.)

Thursday April 16, no computer: I let the kids watch a little TV after they did chores. They chose to watch the history channel on UFO sightings (real historical). We spent the day with cousins in SLC where they actually played with each other the whole time. Driving home, The Ban came up again. Ray said I couldn't change him and that The Ban had to be over on Friday. I reminded him that he had watched TV and he had played the computer the day before so why was he complaining so much? The Ban stands.


Friday April 17, no computer but they could have movie night if they (Ray) didn't push me: We went to Rock Canyon in search for rocks. Ray and little D scrambled up ahead with me in the run-off bed which was still dry. Lou lingered behind us with David gathering different colored rocks. Blue, white, orange, red, pink, and purple. Ray said it was a great adventure and he didn't want to go home and that it was way better than watching TV. goodbye boo.

Saturday April 18, no computer, yes to Sat. morning cartoons: We later drove out past Delta and went searching for Trilobites. This was quite an adventure.

After such a rocky week

we smashed and pounded,

dug in the gravel,

hammered out the bugs,

literally

and we were rewarded

with quality time

and peace and love.

Look at these beauties Ray found. He is opening up a Trilobite store.

This gorgeous one was found by little D. It's huge.

And The Ban still stands.