Nestle in the Tiniest

How quickly joy spills into tears of sorrow.  Once again I let my hope in a tiny seed grow too big too soon.  I tried to restrain myself from believing, rejoicing, planning - I told myself that it could go either way and for the past several years it has only gone one way so why believe it yet? But I couldn't stop the joy from creeping in and filling me up until I was planning all the things that would change.  The bedroom downstairs would have to be painted and cleaned out so that Lou could move down there and her room would be the baby room again.  We'll have to sell our car because it only seats five and we'd need something bigger.  I could easily cut back on my hours at the shop and just go in for a little bit after hours so that I could focus my attention on being a new mom again -on being the mom I was getting a second chance at.  And I don't just want one child at the tail end of our family who would be raised as if an only child.  I would certainly need another one soon after so they could be pals and playmates.  It felt like redemption.

My heart for so long has been pulled in two directions- on the one hand, I feel that life is good and we have moved on from the dream of having a baby because our kids are older now.  I have left the hurt and disappointment of infertility behind.  It is too painful to continue to revisit over and over.  I am in a new phase in which I am an important partner in our business and I don't think an infant can fit into this phase.  But on the other hand, I want to hold on to the dream of having the children I feel I am supposed to have.  This isn't supposed to be it!  I want the joy- the JOY! of having that infant.  Oh the joy babies bring -the joy I know a baby would bring to our family.  Anything in my life can make way for a new baby.  My heart faltered between one hand and the other until recently.  I finally embraced having a baby with all my heart.  I want it again like I had seven years ago when I started to talk and plan for our new baby that was sure to come.  My whole heart was on board.  Then for the first time since 2009, I had a positive pregnancy test.  "Wait"  I warned myself, "Wait.  It can go either way.  I've seen this before and it doesn't always mean what I think."  Whatever happens, I told myself, I would put it in God's hands.

Yesterday morning Dave and I were talking about the rides I wouldn't be able to go on at Disneyland over spring break.  As he read the list of rides not recommended for pregnant women, I felt a joyful resignation to not ride any of them.  I was so joyful to be able to join the throngs of pregnant women not able to go on Thunder Mountain or Matterhorn.  I would do anything to protect this little hopeful wish.  Anything.  But a few hours later I was whipped back to my former infertile life.  Snapped back, shaken, crushed.  How dare I hope.  How dare I let it take me so far.

"My heart was broken.  My heart was broken.  Sorrow.  Sorrow.  Sorrow.  Sorrow.  My heart was broken.  My heart was broken."

Earlier Lou had discussed the problems with having to switch rooms.  She didn't really want to be downstairs with the boys.  There were spiders!  She was uncommitted to the idea of giving it up for a sibling.  I reassured her that we could paint the room however she wanted and decorate it.  She called Dave later to say she had had a change of heart.  She was willing to give up her room now because she said we could paint the downstairs room just like the baby room and also she and the baby could have matching outfits and play together.  David explained the word miscarriage to her and as he broke down on the phone she cried with him.  How dare I build up that hope in her and have to take it all back!  This being the fifth miscarriage I have had in seven years, I should have known better!

As I let the tears come and the sorrow fill my breast the words that have saved me over the last few years echo into my heart and mind.  I have no control over this.  There is nothing I can or cannot do to change this.  It is beyond me.  I am giving this to God.

And so I am giving this to my God.  I am giving Him the pain, the hope, the hurt.  It is too much and I am tired.  I am yielding it up, handing it over, and asking Him to carry it for me.

"My tears are drying.  My tears are drying.  Thank you.  Thank you.  Thank you.  Thank you.  My tears are drying.  My tears are drying"----maybe not today... but soon.

I find thee in all these things to which I am good and like a brother.
Like a seed you nestle in the tiniest.
In the great you give yourself greatly.
This is the miraculous play of forces, that they move so servingly through things:
Swelling in the roots, slimming in the branches, and in the treetops like a resurrection.

Rainer Maria Rilke

Tree of Life © Michele Banks

On the bright side of miscarriage,  I'm going to go on Tower of Terror 50 times and I'll go on the Indiana Jones ride until my teeth fall out.