Papa, I get you!

This is my family. Left to right is Hartman, me, David, Jacob, Kassi, and Julie and seated are my parents Kathy and Randy. Not shown, of course, are my deceased brothers Joshua and Trevor. I think we make a handsome family. I have come to understand a lot more about my own parents as I have become one. There are many things that kids just won't get until they have kids of their own. One of the things I didn't get about my dad until I became a mom was his cleaning and throwing away rampages. As a kid, Papa would suddenly and without warning start to organize the house. With this sudden energetic cleaning rampage, many of our beloved treasures would make their way to the garbage. I felt like Papa just threw things away without any regard for our feelings or desires. Sometimes it seemed like he blindly dumped our drawers and cupboards into the trash. My brothers and I would climb up into the huge dumpster out in the alley way and try to salvage our belongings and we would grumble and complain about Papa for dumping our stuff.

I had this old bed that belonged to my mom and then was passed on to me. I loved the bed even though it caused me so much misery. It was the kind of bed that had wooden pegs to hold it together and boards to keep the mattress on it. The pegs were so loose that anytime anyone plopped down on my bed or jumped on it, it would collapse. I was good at putting the bed back together, but because the mattresses were so heavy when I tried to push them on, the bed would often re-collapse. I cried many frustrated tears over the years trying over and over to put my bed back together. I was also the kind of kid who loved to rearrange my room every month or so and I'd have to deal with trying to push that bed without making it fall, but it always did. Despite all my frustrations, I was extremely loyal to this bed. Then came the time when my dad decided it needed to be thrown away. You would have thought my dog had just died the way I wailed and sobbed over seeing my bed in the back alley dumpster. It was really hard for me to forgive my dad for taking it away. It was replaced by one of those cheap metal frames.

So now, as a mom, I am constantly throwing things away. I don't like clutter. I inherited a lot of that need to organize from my dad. I don't go on huge cleaning rampages, but instead, I am constantly looking for things that need to go. It is amazing what the kids collect. All the stuff from school, all the cheap Chinese crap, all the rocks and pebbles, all the little creations made of paper and glue or clay, all the happy meal toys, and loose parts of toys. I like to see their creations and many I file away for their keepsakes, but it all could bury a house if left unchecked. So, my kids have made a habit of checking the garbage cans with a "Hey! Why did you throw this away!" as they try to salvage their beloved junk. I've learning to make DI drop-offs on the sly when the kids are at school. It is amazing how much they love something that they haven't played with in a year when they are threatened with it's departure.

Recently Ray-Ray, our seven year old, out-grew his shoes from last fall. Actually, he outgrew them a while ago but we kept trying to shove his feet into them. Turns out we were stuffing size 4 feet into size 2 shoes. I felt bad when I found out how much he'd grown. We got him new shoes and then I tried to throw the old ones away. The toes were busted out and the soles were worn and there was no way I was going to keep them as hand-me-downs for little D. Turns out that Ray is really attached to those old shoes. He fished them out of the garbage and threw an emotional fit about how he needed them to help him remember 1st grade. The next day, they disappeared in time for the dump truck to haul them away.

The thing that I really fear and tremble about is that it is going to take my kids clear into their 30's before they'll understand me and have compassion on me. Are they going to hate me and resent me for all of their childhood and adolescence? It could be. Someday, I know they will get me. I hope I don't mess them up too bad until that time.