Right now I am sitting in the middle of my bed. I have to sit in the middle because if I move a few inches to the left or to the right (but especially to the left) I will be perched uncomfortably on a slope that slips to the permanent body made grooves in our mattress. I'm sitting here in my scrubs with my shoes still on. I got home from work 2 hours ago. I can't will myself to move or do anything else right now. I'm not bored. I'm tired. The kids are downstairs watching A Charlie Brown Christmas. We had pizza. I crave chocolate. I thought I was pregnant just a day or two ago.

But I'm not.

I'm fine. It's fine. But I get really excited when I think I'm pregnant and I have to stop that. In the family planning of my mind I thought I would have just had my 5th baby by now and saying "It is well" and calling it a day. But no. Here I am. Thirty-five years old and still getting my hopes up. If I wasn't considered "high-risk" before (which in fact I was), well I am certainly in the high-risk group now. Thirty-five does that to you. So I am now high-high risk. Do I keep letting my hopes get up?

A year ago at this time David was at the hospital where I worked today having just had his kidney removed. I look back on that experience with fondness. It was a good thing that happened to us and to him especially. People in our neighborhood felt bad for us and would offer their sympathies last year but I wanted to say "This is a good thing. No really! Don't feel bad. I'm glad this happened." But saying that doesn't make sense to people and I would probably come off sounding cruel. Still, I'm glad for that experience. David didn't need that old kidney anyway.

This year is better for us. A Million Times Better For Us. Not in the ways that the majority of the world would consider better though. We had a crappier year at The Scooter Lounge when it comes to sales and revenue in 2010 than we had in 2009 and money is a lot tighter right now than it was last year. But things are in order and falling into place. David is thinking about going back to school and picking up where he left off so long ago. I hope he does. I've watched him pick up a lot of things where he left off this past year.

My brother's wife Chelsea posted some pictures on facebook this week. David and I browsed them while we were working together at the shop. Both of us felt our hearts swell as we looked at the ones with our kids in them. Lately David has been visiting the kids at school briefly to drop off little letters to tell them how proud he is of them. He likes to do special things like that. I watch the kids in the morning as they ride away in a threesome on their kick scooters for school. Lou calls back to me that she loves me and says she will see me after school. One morning she said to David "See you afters scho...Oh, never mind. You don't get home until nighttime." David felt sad and has wanted to leave work early to see the kids after school. If only this longing and loving could carry us through all the teasing and fighting so that we as parents never said a cross word and could treasure each moment, living without regrets.

Even at this moment, as I am writing this, I am filled with regret that I am writing this instead of hanging out with the kids downstairs, watching A Charlie Brown Christmas for movie night.

So I better go. Here are a few of the pictures that swelled my heart:

Potato Bug

Ray and Dave (in my favorite suit)

1st lost tooth (with gum)

That kid and that suit again

Little D doing flips

great granddaughter, great grandmother

This picture is a treasure. Thanks Chelsea.