Hurtado
Incorporated
Annual
Shareholders Report
Esteemed
Colleagues:
Whereas
the United States Supreme Court holds that corporations are people, we hold the
inverse also to be true, namely, that people are corporations. Heretofore we shall endeavor to provide you,
our shareholders, with a comprehensive and succinct report on the recent
performance and activities of Hurtado Incorporated (The Company).
As
is customary, you will find enumerated below our several individual
accomplishments during fiscal 2013, interspersed with occasional humorous
tidbits, anecdotes, mixed metaphors and so forth:
David
(CEO) has achieved many personal goals this year while ostensibly directing the
affairs of the company. He briefly
applied a paradigm shift by dying his hair.
Fortunately it washed out before what would surely have been a
precipitous stock devaluation had our investors taken notice. In addition to his service to the company, he
has recently begun service in the presidency of the Sunday School. Be assured that there is no conflict of
interest as Sunday School is strictly non-profit and, as David’s mother
assures, consists mostly of bell-ringing.
Kaerlig
(CFO) has performed very well and is personally responsible for most of our
year-over-year growth. She exudes
confidence, charisma and charm. Her
administrative skills continue to serve both our shareholders and our church
wherein she voluntarily contributes many hours pro bono publico. She organized a number of executive retreats
this year including Disneyland, Goblin Valley, Escalante and Zion National
Park. These retreats facilitated
synergizing and other buzzword compliance.
Raycito (13) enjoyed a team-building exercise with the Boy Scouts in which he cultivated
confidence, leadership, and pyromania skills while dodging sadistic mosquitos
and murderous lightning bolts in the Utah hinterlands. His newfound wilderness survival skills have served
him well in Middle School this year, where “it is way more difficult and you
have to switch classes constantly and there are a lot more idiots.” Raycito is achieving good grades and seems to
really care about professional development.
He is an asset to our company and tries to be, in his words, “a good
boy”. He encourages other company
members to follow his good example.
Little D (11) enjoyed our executive retreat to Disneyland. It helped relieve the stress of what he says
was the worst thing about this year: Waking
up in the morning every day. His office
is decorated with a collection of Kirby merchandise. (Kirby is a bulimic video game character with
poor impulse control.) He also says,
“My friends are good because they don’t really lie to me.” However this is itself a prevarication. He finally reached his lifelong goal of
winning a trophy in his school district art contest this year. He is excelling in Science, enjoys being on
the Student Council, and looks forward to executive ski trips. His primary contribution to the company,
however, is successfully interacting with his coworkers in attentive ways as
they both individually seek his attention.
Lou (9) really isn’t cut out for the corporate world. To be honest, her ascent to middle management
is due almost entirely to nepotism. She
is not at all the borderline sociopath, Type-A personality that her position
requires. She says, “The hardest part
about being a Hurtado is being the only girl in the (company) besides my
mom.” The CEO and CFO have been unable
to rectify this situation. Though this disappointment
has forced Lou to acquire some corporate cynicism, she is still genuinely
sweet by nature. She enjoys swimming
“because (she) like(s) to feel the flow of water against (her) toes and (her)
cheeks.” She continues to excel in
Visual Arts, singing, dancing, and being a true friend to everyone.
Now,
as to matters of accounting: Our net
worth is about what it was last year. We
continue to reconcile our accounts on a regular basis, and of course we
occasionally have a little red ink on our ledger. We are continually grateful for a Master
Banker who sits down with us and always finds a way to settle our debts and
balance our books. Because of His
guidance, you can be assured that Hurtado Inc. will be a safe investment well
into the future.
Please
note above our current picture of the company.
We took this picture standing in front of a wall at Thanksgiving. You may appreciate that while very little
preparation went into this photo, none of us is picking his/her nose, and our
clothes don’t clash very much. This is
in keeping with our standard of producing high-quality Christmas cards that we
know you truly appreciate.
Merry
Christmas!
Dave, Kaerlig, Raycito, Little D and Lou
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