A Little Personal

I felt the sorrow and pain suddenly start to swell and I tried to compress it so it wouldn't gather heat and boil over into tears. Thinking it away and trying to ignore it trapped the swell in my throat making it ache. I swallowed to push it down. All I wanted to do was jump out of the car and pull my bike off the rack and ride. As soon as the key was pulled from the ignition that is what I did. "I'm just going on a short bike ride." I called over my shoulder, not waiting to hear if he was OK with it. I pumped quickly out of sight and down the trail as fast as I could. Each push of my muscles against the pedal calmed the swelling. Each bead of perspiration was a sigh. My heart pumped and my lungs expanded. I wanted this kind of pain. It was physical. I wanted to push harder and feel the burn in my thighs and calves. This way I could ignore the other pain. I couldn't deal with it yet.


Calm and still inside I put my bike back on the rack and joined my husband and children. I had realized something about myself.


Thirteen years ago I had a discussion in my room with my brother Trevor. One of my close friends had been cutting herself and was admitted to the hospital. She etched her grief into her arms and thighs. I couldn't understand it. "Why would she do that? That's crazy. I don't get it." Trevor was interested--not only in how she was doing because he genuinely cared, but also in all the details of her self-inflicted injuries. "I could never hurt myself myself like that." I said. "Haven't you ever thought of killing yourself?" Trevor asked. "No! Never. I would never do that. I have never thought about that!" I said. "I have." Trevor said. "You have? No way. I never ever ever would do something like that."

If I had allowed my sense of indignation to rest, I might have clued into Trevor. I wish I had clued into Trevor. But I didn't and neither did anyone else. I couldn't wrap my head around how anyone could ever hurt themselves on purpose.

Years later there was a discussion about some of these behaviors in my nursing classes when I was doing my psych rotation at the State Hospital. I started to understand a little about how a person that is in so much emotional pain would cut. It causes emotional relief because the focus of the pain is transferred into something else. Something physical.

When I was riding my bike and wanting the burn in my muscles and all that comes with physical exertion I realized exercise was my form of cutting. That kind of sounds bad, but it is true nonetheless.

At least it is socially acceptable and doesn't leave any scars.