Years ago I wandered in orchards, often laying down between rows of trees. I can be still in a place like that for a long time. Later I added the banks of Provo River to where I go. I go to see and to listen and to feel quiet. After I became acquainted with the cemetery on the eastern benches of Provo, Trevor's resting place, I added that to where I go. I go there often.I went there during a long break-up between David and I when we were dating. It was the summer of 1999. I went and sat on the XU SHUI ZHANG bench so I could see and listen and make sense of a crashed and burned courtship. I had broken off our engagement months earlier and was dating someone else but I couldn't get David out of my thoughts. I was infected with him.
From my bench I could clearly see the street leading from David's home nearby to the cemetery. I really wanted him to know that I was there on that bench wishing he would come. I focused my mind on the chance that he would sense my longing and find me. "Come." I said over and over in my thoughts. A green Ford Galaxie 500 suddenly pulled out onto the street. I sucked in my breath and stared in amazement as it started to come my way. I felt relief mixed with a fast pulse and I looked out at the mountains and the lake. Within minutes the Galaxie rumbled around the bend and came to a stop near where I was sitting. David got out, crossed the grass, and sat down beside me. I put my head on his shoulder. "I wanted you to come." "I knew you were here." David reassured me that everything would work out somehow. Everything felt so complicated and messed up and really everything was, but I knew that I felt peace and comfort with him next to me.
The cemetery continues to be where I go to soothe the conflict in my heart. I see the sunflowers, the scrub oak, the valley, the mountains, the sky. I ponder over the gravestones and newly dug grave sites. The living and the dead - side by side.
The living and the dead, figuratively side by side in my life, are at once both beautiful and painful -and strangely powerful teachers.
2 comments:
I love reading your posts. You live your life with such poetic passion. I love reading your posts. They're filled with reality and strong emotions. It makes me feel not so alone in my strong emotions & not-always-so-simple life. Even though my life is filled with wonderful & awe-inspiring things, it in itself is a puzzle.
I knew you were there. I don't know when I realized it. It wasn't a hunch. I knew you were there waiting for me the way I know when I am hungry or cold. So I got in my car and went to find you.
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