Past Winter

I've been thinking about this post for a while but sometimes it is hard to get started. At times I feel a little bit intimidated about writing something good or interesting but I'm going to try not to worry about all that and just start writing. I want to write about the season we just lived through.

This past winter has been one of my best. I was able to endure it cheerfully. Winters in Utah, in the past, have been challenging for me. Winter snuffs out autumn and spring and lingers long past when it should. I tolerate it pretty well until February and then it really starts to wear on me emotionally. But this year was different. I could attribute the change to one of three things.

The first is that we got a new furnace and insulation last year and new windows the year before. I am a miserably cold person all the time and these improvements to our home improved my quality of life . I still warm up a bag of grain every night and put it in my bed so that my feet get toasty and I still put my freezing hands up my husband's sleeves but overall I am much warmer. Our windows used to be single pane and I could feel the cold winter wind blowing through cracks. Our old furnace was a dinosaur and also the cheapest of the cheap (that's what all the furnace guys politely explained). In fact, they stopped making the kind of furnace we had because it was too cheap and worthless. Were these home improvements what made winter bearable?

The second is that I decided I needed a winter sport to get excited about and I found one that I could do without it being a financial burden. I am like an ant all summer, saving money for the winter, because of the seasonal nature of my husband's business and I didn't want to fork out money to go to a ski resort. I discovered that I enjoyed snowshoeing. I only went four times this past winter but it was so gratifying and I found myself for the first time in many winters wishing for more snow. That is so not me! When a snow storm hit but then didn't stick and turned to slush I was even disappointed. Next year I will try to go more often and I want to add cross-country skiing. I also got back into jogging and wasn't afraid to bundle up and run outside. I used to do that all the time way back when until I turned wimpy. Running in the snow isn't as bad as it sounds. It's very peaceful. Was getting into outdoor winter sports what made the big difference in my demeanor?

The third is that I became a blogger. What does blogging have to do with anything? My husband started blogging and reading blogs a long time before I did. I couldn't understand him. Sometimes I'd hover over his shoulder wondering why he would put stuff on the internet for the whole world to read. I'd hover over his shoulder wondering why in the world he would care to read something that someone he hadn't seen since high school had written. I'd hover over his shoulder and then sulk because I felt a little jealous of the time he spent reading about other people's lives. What about our life?

Let me step back and explain things better. David's mom and dad had a passionate yet explosive relationship that ended in divorce when David was six. When David was twelve, his mom married Don with whom she has been happily married for over 20 years. I wouldn't say their relationship is either passionate or explosive but rather I would say it is comfortable and peaceful. Don worked for BYU for years in administration and Lovisa worked for BYU for years as a law librarian and also taught English and ESL. When they remodeled their home a while back they transformed what had been bedrooms and a family room into a den for Don and a library for Lovisa.

And there they reside.

Don's in his den which is furnished comfortably with a leather recliner, sofa, TV, DVD player and a vinyl record player and hundreds of records. There are also a bunch of children's toys in there like Lincoln Logs because the grandchildren always gravitate to him in his den to play.

Lovisa's in her library which is furnished with two walls full of books, a leather couch, two big chairs, a rocking chair and the computer. Lovisa is usually in this room grading papers, reading, or working on the latest crossword puzzle. The adult children gravitate to this room for conversation around Lovisa.

This is how Don and Lovisa operate. They have their own space and they are very comfortable with one in one room and one in the other. Sometimes Lovisa will do her crosswords on the sofa in Don's den, but for the most part I see her in her library. This is what was modeled for David while he was growing up.

Somehow David and I started falling into a type of this pattern. I bought a recliner when I was pregnant with my second son because I was so uncomfortable sleeping supine. Quickly this recliner was taken over by David who is now the main occupant. He relaxes and unwinds after a grueling day at work and after the kids are asleep by kicking up his feet and opening his lap top. He reads the news, his emails, other's blogs, and whatever else he happens upon. He decompresses. I'd come and sit on the arm of the recliner or on my knees next to him to chat for a while until I became uncomfortable (sore knees etc.) and then I'd retire to my room and I'd read. Then I'd get bored. Or I'd get lonely. I'd come back out of my room and badger David about "Why are you still on the computer?" or "Why do you care what other people have written? You don't even know them well." or "Why don't you ever talk to me?" See, I didn't come from a family where the man and woman were happy and content to do their things in different quarters of the house. In fact, "happy and content" was rarely modeled at all. Instead I saw a lot of arguments and contention so I fall into the trap of following that pattern. I have told many people, and I am completely serious, that if there is ever an argument between David and I, I am the one who started it. David is so content and laid back that he may not notice when I'm feeling neglected until I put my dukes up.

This pattern kept happening. Dave chillin' with the computer after work to relax and me tolerating it for a while and then putting up my dukes- demanding attention. I hardly ever got on the computer except to check my email, or the weather, or the bank account every few days. I couldn't understand him at all.

Last year I was invited to read a friend's private blog but in order to do so I had to get a blogger account. I did that and then saw a place to click that said "Create Blog". I was curious. It was a fateful moment when I clicked on that and was led by the hand like a child to create Dear and Beloved. Hmm...I thought as I started one or two posts...this is kind of fun. I started to connect with other women that had blogs and found myself enjoying the peek I had of their lives. I had for a while felt lonely and hungry for conversation with women and I found something in blogging that satisfied that.

This brings me back to winter. Before blogging I felt acutely lonesome during those long gray winters. Not only was I craving David's attention, but I found myself craving conversation with the women in my neighborhood. The thing is that it wasn't always convenient to talk on the phone or show up on a friend's doorstep because we were all busy with children and work and life. Maybe it is a phase of life I'm passing through. Most of my conversations are with children and I am starving for adult conversation. Through blogging I was able to laugh, empathize, and feel understood as I read the blogs of other mothers who were going through their lives similar to mine. I felt less alone.

I also could get back at Dave. The tables started to turn. He would be the one to leave the recliner and come to our bedroom to see what I was doing, waiting for attention.

"I'm just writing on my blog."

"I've created a monster!" he said.

Once I got involved in blogging I related to my husband in a new way. The twinges of self-pity/jealousy departed. We had new things to talk about and laugh about. I know that being on the computer can be a time-suck. I've had to moderate how much time is acceptable to be online because it can easily steal an hour or two of life (as it has just now while writing this). I also have made goals to spend more time with my scriptures because if I have time to read someone's blog I can't justify not finding time to study. I also worry about what David and I model for our kids so I try not to be on the computer until they are in bed. Overall, however, I find blogging to be an uplifting and creative outlet I enjoy. I've always loved to write in my journal but I write more frequently now and I'm able to record parts of our lives that would be forgotten.

This is really what made the winter bearable.