What I Meant

I will always love BYU. Though I do not like the swell of traffic whenever the students arrive in town, I feel a lot of nostalgia when I see the students milling around. BYU was a good time in my life even though David and I didn't follow the BYU tradition to meet, fall in love, and get married 6 months later. We took the road less traveled by and it took us on a 6 year journey (not really recommended). When I look back over those years, I was in the middle of a lot of misunderstandings and misinterpretations because I was so clumsy with my relationships. The things I'd say or didn't say to guys could have been handled better by being honest and open.

Just before my freshman year, I met David. He was the constant through all those years of college. He was either in the forefront or the background of each year. One night, not long after meeting him, he woke me up by tapping at my window. I opened the front door and he enveloped me in his arms. After letting him hug me a minute, I pulled back and said "I can't make believe." Those were killer words for a guy who had just gone out on a limb. What I really meant was "I'm not ready yet. I'm not over this guy whom I've never dated whom I've liked for four years and with whom I have no chance because he has a girlfriend." I guess those words would have still been killer, but he would have known it was nothing personal. Luckily, David was patient with me.

During my freshman year, I also dated a guy named Brett. I actually met him at EFY years before and by coincidence his DT roommate was one of my friends so we all started hanging out. My best friend Emilie liked Brett and she made that clear. However, he and I started to hold hands and hang out. After a while, I silently withdrew from him. He wondered if he had done something wrong. What I really meant by my silent withdrawal was "I'm sorry Brett, but Emilie is ready to scratch my eyes out and I'm losing my best friends." That would not have made him happy, but at least I would have been honest and less passive.

During my sophomore year, right when David was leaving on his mission, I met Corey. He was a good guy that shared my same major so we had a lot of classes together. We dated a little bit that year in my typical clumsy, confused fashion until his girlfriend came home from her mission. One frosty night though, we took a walk and he suddenly planted one on me and my response was "This will never happen again." He took that at face value and wrote me off. What I meant was "Hold up. Are you still seeing your girlfriend and does she know you are with me? By chance are we cheating on her?" That's what was on my mind. Also I told him that he was like a "statue". This was my code word for men like Hans Guertler (see The Great Green Apple War), or my grandpa, or my brothers. Someone people could look up to...you know, like a statue. Instead, he thought I meant that he was mute, dumb, or unfeeling, but I didn't find out about that misunderstanding until much later.

During my junior year, I met a guy named Darren. He was a nice guy and we hung out more than we dated. Kind of like buddies. We made shrinky dinks, disco skated, and even saw Cowboy Junkies live but "we" never went anywhere. I was lonely (missing David) even with his company. After months of being buddies I boldly called Darren and said "You haven't kissed me yet! And I don't think you ever will." He took that as goodbye. What I meant was "You have to meet me half way. Or are you just looking for a friend?". Oh well.

During my senior year, David came back home from his mission. (Hurray for kissing!) That was a hard year of decision. Do we make this work now? Do I go on a mission? The more we tried to make it work, the more it felt like we were kicking against the pricks because for some reason God wanted me out of the country walking on dusty dirt roads, intermingling with latinos. Loneliness. Again. David took my decision to go on a mission as a rejection. Why did guys always think I was rejecting them?

When I got home, I decided to date a little bit more to bump up my dating tally. I attempted to compete with Dave's tally, though I didn't stand a chance since he had kissed 18 girls, one for every month that I was gone. I ran into Darren and started hanging out with him again until I realized he was still operating by the buddy system. Then I met a guy named Chad and a summer fling started. But it wasn't that simple. I started to think seriously and get honest with myself. Though I really liked him and knew he was someone I could marry, I realized that no matter who I was with, I would always think about David. As much as Dave and I pulled apart, we were always getting back together. Chad was surprisingly understanding.

The timing, after six years, became right and David and I were ready to take the plunge. When I told David "I want to marry you" that was exactly what I meant. I could finally say it honestly without any portion of my mind shying away. Things worked out against the odds and the weight of time. It is pretty amazing to see how it came full circle. The long, lonely circle that it was. And to all you guys that walked into my life during my clumsy years, I am sorry for the misunderstandings. Go Cougars!